No News Isn’t Good News…

If anyone has seen my mojo, please send it my way! I haven’t posted since last month for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because there’s not too much to share and secondly, because I just couldn’t summon the energy to tap away at the keyboard and create something worthy of sharing!

I’m in a rut, both physically and mentally. I think it is a to-be-expected symptom of being at the halfway mark of treatment. I have lost all hope of the pain subsiding or being fully controlled by medication and the fatigue I am suffering is, well, unsufferable. In a desperate bid to control the pain, my consultant upped the dose of morphine tablets, but the consequence was terrifying nightmares, where I would lie paralysed for an hour, breathing shallowly and praying that the terrors would stop. I became afraid of going up to bed, so implored him to take me off this form of pain relief and I’ve now been on codeine and oral morphine for a couple of weeks and can sleep again. Getting to sleep and sleeping deeply has been something I always took for granted, but boy does it mess you up when you don’t get that physical and mental restorative 7 or 8 hours! I got used to disturbed sleep when the cancer was causing awful night sweats, but after towelling myself down and sometimes changing the bed linen, I was always able to get back to sleep. So, my malaise the last few months has certainly been partly caused by the side effects of the strong pain relief and I’m pleased I reported the issue, rather than put up and shut up, which is what I would usually do.

So what else has been going on to cause me to slip into mild depression and given me feelings of anxiety? Well, just the monotony of my life for the last 3 years! Shielding doesn’t get any easier and not being able to drive or having a car has made me feel very isolated and dependent on the kindness of others. When you’ve lived a highly independent and high-octane life for over 40 years, having almost all freedoms taken away and living with a chronic illness isn’t ever going to be much fun! HOWEVER… all is not doom and gloom; brighter days are to come, so let me share the positives.

Firstly, I have sold the cottage and bought a new build home off plan – it’s just an 8-minute walk from my son, Charlie in Chichester (on the South Coast of England for my international readers). I am due to complete the sale of my cottage on June 12th and will reside with Charlie for the summer whilst the construction of my new house takes place, with the hope that I’ll be moving in by the beginning of October. I’m pretty sure that my mood has been affected by the stress of moving house, not least because I adore my gorgeous cottage, this valley and my friends in Wales, so it is a real emotional wrench to leave here. Of course, I am doing so because I want to spend the time I have before my remission reverses near my lad, so that is a massive positive and once I have made the 6 hour journey down there, I am certain I will feel optimistic and more relaxed, but this twilight zone of clearing out my belongings (and selling over half of what I have) is tough. It’s hard to let go of carefully curated antiques and items which fit the age and style of the cottage, knowing that they simply won’t look right in a modern home. Not only that, but I have far too much ‘stuff’ and too little space in my down-sized new home, so much of it needs to be sold, donated and, as a last resort, sent to landfill. I have come to realise that I’m somewhat of a hoarder! Saving things ‘just in case’, because they bring happy memories or look good in their current setting has been my modus operandi for my whole adult life, but now it’s time to let go – practically and emotionally.

But whilst I am in an intense period of getting rid of items, I did acquire a new item yesterday and this will accompany me down South – a new car! Yes, finally, I am able to drive again, and my new Mini is a dream come true! No longer will I have to stand shivering whilst I wait for the bus, nor will I have to drag around a shopping trolley; I won’t have to put up with bizarre substitutions from the supermarket home deliveries and, once I move, I can easily explore the coast and enjoy having civilization on my doorstep!

So, I am ending this on a positive note. I’m not out of the woods just yet, with 4 more cycles of treatment to go, the ongoing pain and fatigue and the stress of making a significant life change whilst in the middle of treatment all taking their toll. But the light switch is within view and once I press it, the tunnel will be illuminated and the end in sight. I’m looking forward to the future where I can once again be mostly concerned, not about myself, but about climate change, the state of the world and fighting the Tories!